Embracing My Sasha Fierce…In Bed

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“I’ll make love to you, like you want me to and I’ll hold you tight, baby all though the night!”  With gusto and passion, I sang along with Boyz II Men.  Twirling around my bedroom and clutching my favorite party dress to my chest, I used  it to mime the “throw your clothes on the floor’ lyric.  My room filled with the harmony of these love-makers crooning to their beloved and I was lost in the beauty of that sexy love song.  This love song was different than most–it didn’t promise to “sex me up”, or presume to inform me that my body was telling the horndog singer “yes”—  Boyz II Men’s song was different.  It was a heartfelt offering,  a lavish invitation predicated by love to come, be known, create oneness, and yes, make love.

At thirteen I’d never heard of making love.  Oh, don’t get me wrong. I knew of sex. I knew too much of the mechanics and all the wrong dynamics, but never love.  I heard the moans and slaps from porn movies and felt the dirty touches of my abuser, but making love?  What’s this idea that physical intimacy and love could merge into something art-worthy, melody making?  How could the touches of man thrill and awaken, not terrify and scar?

I was intrigued and as I listened, my inner vixen peeked out from behind the wall I built to protect my child-like heart from my too soon awakened identity as a sexual being. Beautiful and brave.  Sultry, yet serene, she was everything I wanted to be. “Yes, dear…there’s more.”  she whispered,  “There’s love-making.  There’s attention and joy.  There’s selflessness and generosity. One day a man will sing this to you.  I promise.  Sex is more
than sleazy pinches and contrived ‘F-me’s screamed by trapped girls like you.  There’s love-making and when it’s time, you’ll let me out and it will be magical”

I believed her and even though I was still a woman-child,  I sensed the Holy Spirit confirm it by placing his own seal over my heart with a promise of connubial things to come.

So I sang with Wanya as he flourished up and down the scales, promising to hold his beloved tight.  ‘Will I be held tight by my man?’ I wondered, this was my whispered prayer to the God who made our bodies and celebrates their blissful coming together.

Suddenly my older brother yelled from his bedroom, “Tiki!  Turn that off! That’s non-sense! You’re gross for liking that song,”

Stunned and embarrassed, I dove to my boombox and turned off my radio-made mix tape.  I didn’t know he could hear me!  Once the cold wash of shame completely blanketed me, I sat in the quiet and noticed the party dress crumpled on the floor. Ruefully, I sighed— how naive for me to think there’s more!  Sex shouldn’t be celebrated!  There’s no need for a party dress—stupid, stupid me.

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Shamedfaced and made small, I sat and wondered, ‘but really what’s so gross about true love?’  I believed the truth about love-making sung by Wanya, Shawn, Nathan and Michael!  I believed it, but my brother’s accusations caused me to doubt.

“I’ll Make Love to You” has never been the same since that day.   Every time the first three notes play, I feel shamefaced and small.

I’m married to my own love maker now and even though my vixen helped me kick down that wall to show me how enticing a lover I can be, I still feel shamefaced and small when I dare to suggest that pop-culture could teach us Christian wives a thing or two about the joy of marital intimacy.

I feel shamefaced and small when I declare that all truth is God’s truth   and if Paul could use an idol set apart to the “unknown God”  to point the Athenians to Yahweh, then Beyoncé and Jay-z’s modern-day Song of Songs could be used to point us to God’s dream for our sex lives.

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I shared this article and admitted I was inspired by  Beyoncé’s sultry, steaming, pro-martial fun times Grammy Awards performance
with her husband,  Jay-Z and then I heard from across the Internet:

“Osheta!  Turn that off!  That’s non-sense!  You’re a disgusting blasphemer for liking that song!”

But today, I refuse to remain shamefaced and small.

Today I’m going to give us permission to embrace our “Sasha Fierce”, that beautifully brave vixen who God designed with our one true loves in mind.

Don’t you see her?  Isn’t she stunning in your dream lingerie?  She’s peeking from behind the various walls you’ve built whispering, “Yes dear…there’s more.” Do you have ears to hear her?

She probably doesn’t sound like Twila Paris or Beth Moore, but that’s ok.  Let her sound like Beyoncé purring on a stage, loving on her man, deepening intimacy with the father of her child.  Remember: all truth is God’s truth.

And she’ll probably tell you to be honest and describe to your man all the ways you want him.  She might suggest a sexy text or a naughty swear word
whispered in the dark for his ears only…go with it, embrace your Sasha Fierce, enjoy the husband of your youth.

And she may invite you to swerve up on him with your bum.  She might even tell you to sway your hips. Oh, those hips that to you are no longer sexy as
they’ve widened with baby, after baby, after baby.  But Sasha Fierce tells you to “sway on, Sister”, for the man who selflessly woke up to do the midnight feedings for every single one of those babies. Go with it, embrace your Sasha Fierce and while you move and he can’t take his eyes off your fatty, let your man exclaim that the curve of those mama- hips are like jewels.

And your Sasha Fierce will probably tell you to make your breastases his breakfast— the very same breasts that have become a utilitarian reminder of your age ..that’s ok…go with it, embrace your Sasha Fierce and invite him to enjoy the ripe, sweet fruits of your garden— they are a feast for his eyes and
nourishment to his masculine soul.

I know your Sasha Fierce will definitely tell you to be a generous lover: morning, noon, and night.  She’ll say go out and have fun and tumble into bed
together drunk in love. GO WITH IT…embrace your Sasha Fierce and let your husband say, “I have come to my garden, my spouse; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice, I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk.”

Yes dear…there’s more.

There’s more than scandalized pearl clutching and judgmental accusations. There’s more than rule following and pledge card signing.  There’s
more than insecurity driven coldness and fear-based shaming. There’s more than books that turn married sex into a seven day project or game to be won.

There’s more for us holy, wild, wonderful, Sasha Fierces.

There’s Holy Spirit sealed, Creator-God sanctioned, Jesus Christ celebrated,  joyful intimacy in marriage. And while in the church we still struggle to find a healthy balance between legalism and love, last week at the Grammys, a celebrity husband and a wife who embraced her Sasha Fierce got it right!  We only need eyes to see it.

Today, I’m no longer shamefaced and small—I’m embracing my Sasha Fierce—are you brave enough to join me?

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Shalom and Fierceness,

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16 thoughts on “Embracing My Sasha Fierce…In Bed

  1. The trick is to be a “lady on the street and a freak in the bed.” I am ALL for hot, steamy, exciting, passionate sex. I’m ALL for talking about it openly, honestly, and without making a bunch of veiled references. I’m ALL for affirming our husbands with extremely sensual words and actions (and allowing them to affirm us, as well.) And I’m ALL for frequent (if appropriate) public displays of affection. But I do think there’s a distinct line between how these matters should be addressed/displayed in public and how they should be addressed/displayed in private. The fact is that Beyonce’s performance *was not* meant solely for the enjoyment of her husband. She and CBS put it out there for all the world to see, and it no-doubt caused many husbands to wander from their wives, even if just for a moment in their minds. And it no-doubt caused many wives to doubt their own sensuality (because serious, who looks/moves like Beyonce other than Beyonce??). And there’s little more damaging to a marriage than that.

    “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if someone with a weak conscience sees you, with all your knowledge, eating in an idol’s temple, won’t that person be emboldened to eat what is sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother or sister, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against them in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother or sister to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause them to fall.” 1 Corinthians 8:9-13

    There is no shame in being a sexy, sensual woman. None at all. Be fierce. Be proud. Make your husband ache for your body against his. But be cautious to not let it cause another to stumble (or worse, fall.)

    • You’re so right, Lindsay! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! While I agree with so much of what you said I think the paradigm needs to be shifted from “public vs private” to “insular vs community”. If we as Christian wives were left with only Beyonce’s performance as a our example then we’d be in trouble, but the truth is we don’t only have her, we have our community as a sounding board and we have the Holy Spirit who can guide us. And yes, her performance wasn’t for her husband’s eyes only and yes there’s a consumerist spin on it that shouldn’t go unaddressed and of course, let’s not overlook Jay-z’s problematic poetry, but what do we do then? Do we throw out the baby with the bath water? Do we ignore the vulnerability offered from Beyonce and Jay-z to share this peek into their private lives? It was a product to be consumed, but it’s still an offering to be received. An offering for their community to learn and be inspired. What would happen if we used Beyonce’s performance as a conversation starter at our next small group meeting? What if Christian couples examine the parallels and acknowledge the pitfalls…together? These are the questions that excite me. I think most of the damage to marriages because of our oversexualized culture happens in secret when we refuse to bare even our most intimate thoughts on the way a song moves us or the ways another woman’s beauty causes us to feel insecure. We are in the world, that we cannot avoid or escape, so we must learn how to find Christ in our culture so that we do not become of the world. Do I want my daughter to find her Sasha Fierce with her pimply-faced prom date…NO WAY! But I do and I will encourage her to find her Sasha Fierce with her husband. And I’ll create a safe, non-judgmental space for her to process what she sees in culture and the ways (if any) it lines up with Christ’s teachings. I think in the church we like to talk about how much we love sex and want to be Hot holy wives, but not many of us know how to do it. For years I wanted my mentors to teach me how to access my inner vixen—but because we have a Puritanical view of sex that doesn’t allow for frank, honest, explicit conversation, we don’t know guide our daughters to be fully free in bed. We don’t and we shouldn’t process our sexuality in a vacuum we should do it in community. Beyonce and Jay-z for what it’s worth, processed their sexuality in community. I think the church could learn a lot from them.

      • This is what I mean by open and honest. We need to strike the shame from the subject of sex. It is beautiful. It is glorious. It is my *favorite* activity, hands down. :-P

        And I agree, if we were doing a better job of addressing this subject within our close communities in open, honest, real ways, we probably would have such a massive desire for it out in greater society.

        Here’s to healthy, happy, whole couples experiencing Grammy-worthy (Oscar/Tony-worthy) sex!

  2. Great points! I have really been working hard at bringing the intimacy of my youth back into my relationship with my husband despite my insecurities over what age and babies have made of my body. I love your points about discussing sex in our communities to help us break down our walls of shame so that we can embrace the exciting sexual relationships we are meant to enjoy with our husbands. Thank you for these “scandalous” thoughts! ;-)

  3. “But today, I refuse to remain shamefaced and small.” Yes! I love your insights and the way you help me to reexamine so much. Asking about that performance “What can we celebrate?” and “What should we discuss?” is so healthy and can provide such rich discussion. Love you, girl!

  4. Thank you for this post! I absolutely love it when women can proclaim truth in ALL areas of life. As a single woman, I need to hear about the goodness of sexual intimacy within the context of marriage, not just the long list of “thou shalt nots” I’m given as a single Christian woman. So thank you :)

  5. “There’s more than scandalized pearl clutching and judgmental accusations. There’s more than rule following and pledge card signing. There’s
    more than insecurity driven coldness and fear-based shaming. There’s more than books that turn married sex into a seven day project or game to be won.”

    I love this. Honestly, I loved the whole piece. My husband and I have been married for almost exactly three months now, and after spending middle school and high school in a church that focused more on shame and tho shalt nots when it came to sex, it still feels extremely novel still to be free to be sexual. I feel like it’s still something I’m beginning to process, and this helped so much! Thank you, Osheta. This was exactly what I needed to hear. :)

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  7. Okay, THIS? Is a sermon worthy of a standing ovation in my heart. I’ve read plenty of Christian sentiments on marriage along the lines of “You should delight in each other,” but that’s a far cry from being encouraged to bump and grind and be free in lovemaking. Though Song of Songs might have been explicit as Beyonce lyrics for the readers of its time, it mostly reads as a kind of odd poetry to us today, and I at least have taken “delight in each other” to mean something pastel-hued and church-appropriate, something hardly more sexualized than “enjoy each other’s company.” And yes, I do understand our reasons for not wanting to talk explicitly about sex… but it’s waaaayyyy past time for shame to leave the conversation and for us to bravely enter it. THANK YOU for this post!

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