This was one of the hardest lines to write in my last post, but one of the truest. Fond feelings, those, “you go, girl” comments, or even sharing belly laughs do so much to break down barriers, but most of the time, it’s not enough. What I’m learning and what I’m realizing is woefully absent in my life is safety to have honest conversations about race and privilege in my cross-cultural relationships. Maybe, it’s my fault. I’ve probably been too wimpy to invite my white friends to ask “silly” questions about my hair, my experience as a black girl in the South, or the complications of a mixed race marriage. I’ve been too afraid of causing discomfort that I’ve hidden this part of my heart from my friends and told myself I was reconciling as long as I was loving well. But Christ-like love is self-sacrificial, it looks like the cross, and it’s incredibly “un-comfortable”. To reconcile our relationships, we need this cruciform, cross-shaped love that’s willing to sacrifice comfort for authentic connection.
I’m still learning, so I invite you to learn with me today. I’m excited to connect you with a few of my favorite teachers on racial reconciliation.
First, a word on reconciliation from the CCDA website:
The question is: Can a gospel that reconciles people to God without reconciling people to people be the true gospel of Jesus Christ? A person’s love for Christ should break down every racial, ethnic and economic barrier. As Christians come together to solve the problems of their community, the great challenge is to partner and witness together across these barriers in order to demonstrate our oneness in Christ. Christian Community Development recognizes that the task of loving the poor is shared by the entire body of Christ, black, white, brown, and yellow; rich and poor; urban and suburban; educated and uneducated. While the Bible transcends culture and race, the church is still having a hard time with living out the reality of our unity in Christ. Christian Community Development is intentional about reconciliation and works hard to bring people of all races and cultures into the one worshiping body of Christ.
Next is Christena Cleveland, an intelligent and bold voice on racial reconciliation in the Kingdom
From her about page:
Christena Cleveland is a social psychologist with a hopeful passion for overcoming cultural divisions in groups. Drawing from a vast body of research, she uncovers the underlying processes that affect relationships within and between groups and helps leaders understand how to promote an appreciation for diversity and build effective collaborations with diverse groups. She recently completed her first book Disunity in Christ: Uncovering the Hidden Forces that Keep Us Apart.
This is a beautiful and important piece on the power of feeling each other’s pain:
Christians of all colors must listen to each other’s stories, learn of each other’s pain and take up each other’s causes. One important step is to gather in culturally diverse groups to watch films like 12 Years A Slave (and other films that highlight various cultural histories/experiences), and create spaces for us to discuss topics like slavery’s enduring legacy of inequality in the U.S.*** In doing so, we begin the process of expanding our sense of self to include people who are culturally different than us and allowing our souls to be pierced with the irons of the unjust experiences of our brothers and sisters.
This is an excerpt from her book, Disunity in Christ”, that I’m excited to read next month. This is on the the search of identity and significance.
Our self-image and identity are at stake here. Groups that affirm who we are can help us to defend the assaults we are already dealing with. In this sense, groups can serve as havens for our afflicted selves, and for a few fleeting moments, we feel better about ourselves.
Christena also compiles a list of the best articles and blog posts on the web in her Reconciliation Replay posts. These have been an invaluable help to me in processing my role as a peacemaker and seeking of Shalom in my relationships.
I’ve recently begun reading, Austin Channing Brown. But she’s wonderful and such an encouragement to me.
This post “For the Onlies” had me in tears.
To the only black girl in her school batting away swinging ponytails while combating a limited retelling your her-story choosing to begin with slavery rather than your Motherland. To the only Latina on campus who thinks in another language, constantly making translations in your head. To the only Asian girl always assumed to be from somewhere else, somewhere far. To the only Indian girl whose name reflects her parent’s fears of a future of discrimination. To the only Native American girl whose image of self is hidden behind stereotypical mascots of male faces. To the only biracial girl in the neighborhood who is always bracing to hear the question, “What are you?” May you know that your history is vast, your language beautiful, your home here. May your full name embody your full self. May you know stories of significance, of wonder, of greatness that look just like you. May you know that you are a who.
And here is a fantastic “Ask A Racial Reconciler.” interview from Austin hosted by Rachel Held Evans. Her responses are incredibly insightful and practical.
One of my favorite responses from Austin:
Race conversations can be incredibly life-giving conversations or incredibly taxing- either way I want to be fully prepared and fully present! The only way I personally can make sure that happens is planning for the conversation in advance boundaries!
Which we’ll talk about on Wednesday—creating a safe space for the conversation. I’ll also make a bold proposal of anyone interested in starting the conversation about race and privilege.
Much Love My Friends,
Osheta Moore 
I would love to dive into these conversations with you. Praying for honestly, transparency and sensitivity for all who jump into these conversations.
Me too! Feel free to email me at osheta@gmail.com.
Love, O
Thanks for these resources, Osheta. I’m sort of gob-smacked (in a good way) by your honesty here and in your last post. Oh, your writing and honesty make me ache. It HURTS to have to examine my assumptions and broken intentions, and repent. Repent of ‘tokenism’, repent of blithely seeing past realities I don’t have to live day-to-day. Of thinking a few good intentions and relationships will fix things.
Thank you for bringing me back to the place of growth and repentance, and inviting me in, even in the midst of our brokenness. Thank you for making me feel welcome, even as I feel convicted. God, bring us to the place of true reconciliation, to friendships that are whole and holy. amen.
Oh Heather. You bless me so much with your heartfelt words. You are always welcomed here and I echo your prayer. Yes, Lord, You are the Great Reconciler, teach us how to do it well. Give us courage to go deep and true in our friendships so that our Body can reflect the Calvary-like love that transforms lives through it’s profound barrier breaking ability. Just like the curtain was torn, tear down the walls and obstacles we erect to and show us how to create space for your Shalom to enter our lives. amen! Thanks for stopping by, Heather!
Osheta, I’m so hapy you are even willing to open this can of worms. I’ve been part of an interracial family for the past 30 years and have always been amazed how taboo these issues! It’s like ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room! You can ignore it, walk around it, or try to walk right through it, but it’s still there! You trip over the elephant’s big feet, get whacked in the head by his ears when he flaps them, whatever, but that doesn’t make the elephant go away!
Just so are the issues of racial and cultural differences between people of various heritages. Ignoring our differences can actually be demeaning to one partner or the other. I’ve learned so much by being willing to discuss our differences openly and honestly with my husband. I’ve learned that African American history isn’t just for African Americans; it’s really AMERICAN history for every American! Some of my Irish-American ancestors may have killed, assaulted, raped, lynched or even owned African Americans at some point. Ignoring this possible history doesn’t make it disappear! I’m not responsible for what they did, but I may have unfairly benefited by their actions!
Our childhoods were similar in that both of our families were quite poor. Still, our childhoods were also very different in major ways. He grew up in the fifties & sixties in Georgia during segregation. In fact, he grew up during the most volatile times (church fire-bombed, Medgar Evers was killed, integrated bus riders in the south, bus boycotts, Woolworth sit-ins, Malcolm X, ML King, etc…. His parents wouldn’t allow him to use public drinking fountains or restrooms because they were segregated. He remembers his youngest brother dying while waiting to be seen in a segregated hospital! He speaks of how his schools got the beat-up, hand-me-down outdated textbooks and football uniforms from the 40’s that didn’t have enough padding or proper helmets. Yet, his parents paid the same in taxes as White families that lived on the other side of town.
I grew up Irish-Catholic in a small town in Vermont. I was the 4th out of 8 children. There was NO diversity in my town. I didn’t know any Black people until I joined the Army at 18. I grew up during the 60’s and 70’s. I remember the tv program “Roots”, “Julia”,”Get Christie Love”, comedian Flip Wilson’s show, and”Mod Squad.” I was frightened of Black people because I saw the evening news showing the riots in LA and elsewhere. I was also appalled by the busing problems here in Boston where White people were screaming epithets and throwing rocks at busloads of Black children.
When I was 8 or 9, I did ask my mom for a Black baby doll. I remember how beautiful her big brown eyes were and I loved her brown skin. I thought she was the prettiest doll ever, although she did mysteriously disappear not long after Christmas,(huhn, wonder if the societal pressure of fitting in a small, all-white town took it’s toll on my mother’s bravado!?!) I was so ignorant of race relations. I made so many faux-pas during my first three years with my husband. He was so patient and tolerant of my blissful ignorance. Maybe it was because I didn’t get all defensive and deny the history. I went out of my way to learn everything I could about African American history, even taking courses in college about it.
In fact, I only recently figured out why he so adamantly refuses to eat left-overs. His mother worked two jobs in cafeterias and restaurants and was underpaid. So, she brought home leftovers from work to feed her family! His dad was a tailor in a men’s clothing store (like Jos. Banks or Brooks Brothers). the white families would bring in their sons for new suits and just left the old suits to be thrown out. Wayne’s father would bring these home to his own 2 sons and adjust them to fit his two boys! Leftovers represent segregation and 2nd class status to my husband!!
Black people were not allowed to enter the front door of restaurants to sit down to a meal. They had to go around to the back and get it directly from the kitchen. They paid the same price, but they were treated like 2nd class citizens! So, now my husband loves to eat out at restaurants, (not that I mind not having to cook, wash dishes, grocery shop, etc…!!)
Knowing these things about my husband’s life has helped me to forgive him his inability to eat leftovers. I eat them while he makes a sandwich or something else, (I draw the line at having to cook yet another meal though!) He understands that my family was poor and leftovers were like gold! NOTHING was wasted, ever, ever, ever!!! We often went to bed hungry (8 kids, dad’s single salary, a lowly teacher’s salary!) So, now I try to make smaller meals, or freeze half, or recycle half into a different meal that doesn’t scream “LEFTOVERS!” to my hubby.
Talking over these issues can be painful for both of us, but it can also be an opportunity for major healing . Wayne didn’t even realize the link from his childhood to his refusal to eat leftovers until I pointed it out to him! I wasn’t aware of my link from childhood that made me freak out over the wasted leftovers until then either!
Overall, I believe denying & ignoring racial/cultural differences doesn’t make them go away. Ignoring them can in fact be a HUGE stumbling block spiritually and emotionally!
God grant us the grace and the humility to address these issues with a loving and forgiving heart!
Keep on keeping it REAL, Osheta!
Your sister in Christ,
Mary
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